the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
