Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
