i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
