At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
