as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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