I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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