peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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