I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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