I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
