I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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