I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
