i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My cat gives me a boner
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
