he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
