he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
