Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
It's just like the Real World with babies
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
