Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize