I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
