I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
