i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
