so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
