no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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