Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize