My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
