I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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