On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
