I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
