I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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