There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
