I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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