i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Drunk is not a location!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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