we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
