i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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