I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
