That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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