you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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