I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize