Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
