I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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