I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
COCAINE IS GR8
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