mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
