How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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