I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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