if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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