i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
