omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
