I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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