Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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