How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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