Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
