No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
