sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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