he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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