I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
