Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
